When you hear that a friend or loved one has lost a baby, it can be difficult to know what to say or how to act. Sometimes, no matter how deeply we care, words just don’t feel like enough. It’s easy to feel lost yourself, wondering how to comfort someone in pain. But in these moments, it’s so important to remember that showing up with genuine emotion and a warm heart can mean more than finding the “perfect” words.

Let Your Heart Lead

The idea of showing your own emotions might feel a bit daunting, but the truth is, sharing in someone’s grief is one of the most honest ways to support them. Don't be afraid to let them see your sadness or even your tears. Grieving parents will appreciate your honesty and your empathy; they need people around them who aren’t pretending everything is fine. Grieving together means that, for a few moments, they don’t feel so alone in their sorrow.

If you feel at a loss for words, that’s okay. Often, words aren’t necessary—being there and acknowledging their pain without feeling pressured to offer solutions or platitudes is powerful in itself.

Offer Presence, Not Platitudes

One of the most common missteps when trying to comfort someone is to reach for words that might sound comforting in other contexts but aren’t helpful in this one. Phrases like “At least they’re in a better place” or “You can try again” often come from a place of wanting to offer peace, but they can feel dismissive to someone in deep grief. Imagine hearing these words while holding the ache of a life that was meant to be, a future that will never happen. Instead, these phrases can unintentionally suggest that the baby’s brief life can be “reasoned away” or that their loss is somehow less painful.

Instead, try to sit with them in their pain, even if it’s uncomfortable. You might say something simple like, “I don’t have the right words, but I am here for you.” Or simply, “I am so, so sorry.” Sometimes, it’s the silence you hold together that is the most healing.

Let Them Lead the Conversation

Grieving parents often find that people don’t know how to talk to them anymore, or worse, they avoid mentioning the baby in an attempt to spare feelings. This can be isolating, leaving them feeling as if they’re being asked to move on without the chance to really grieve. Let your loved ones take the lead in what they want to talk about. Ask them if they’d like to share a memory, or simply mention the baby’s name. It can be as simple as, “If you ever want to talk about [baby’s name], I’d love to listen.”

Sometimes, they might need to share a memory or talk about their hopes and dreams for their baby. Other times, they might want a distraction, a reminder of the ordinary life around them. By letting them guide you, you’re respecting their unique grief journey.

Remind Them They’re Not Alone in the Long Haul

Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and parents who have lost a baby may feel that people forget or expect them to “move on” too quickly. Offering to be there beyond the immediate aftermath is one of the most powerful ways you can show your love. Maybe it’s a quiet cup of tea months down the line or a message on what would have been a milestone day. These moments remind them that their baby’s life is remembered and honoured, that they aren’t grieving alone.

Remember, your compassion, your willingness to listen, and your shared tears mean the world. And that is enough.

Practical Ways to Support a Friend Who’s Lost a Baby

When a friend loses a baby, offering practical help can be deeply comforting. Here are some ways to make a difference:

1. Help with Funeral Arrangements

Funeral planning is tough, and the Child Funeral Fund can help with costs. Gently offer, “I can ring the Child Funeral Fund for you, if that would help.” Taking on one call can lift a weight off their shoulders.

Northern Ireland link for Child Funeral Fund Information

2. Research Support Options

Some charities offer additional support, like memorial funds or counselling. If they’re open to it, offer to contact a few on their behalf.  Remember us, Little Forget Me Nots Trust, we are here to help you too.

3. Arrange Meal or Errand Help

Everyday tasks can feel overwhelming. Organise a rota for friends and family to deliver meals or run errands. Always check first to make sure they’re comfortable with it.

4. Give Small Care Packages

Consider a care package with essentials like snacks, a journal, or a gift card for a local takeaway. Small comforts can go a long way in hard times.

5. Keep Checking In

The grieving process continues well beyond the first few weeks. Keep offering help—groceries, a quick coffee, or just a chat. Let them know, “I’m here for you, whenever you need.”

These gestures, both small and big, mean the world during such a difficult time. Your support shows that they’re not alone.